All That I Bleed

Lord, bring on the night,
wrap it all around me.
Let it hold me tight,
soak up all that I bleed.

And I'll fly away.

— Savatage

It's one of those songs that I can sing in my sleep but really can't sing when I'm awake. Too high, too low. I don't really know. And I feel ashamed.

Just as how I feel right now. What was I thinking? And no, I don't mean the broken twelve years as that needed to happen. But what was I thinking coming here? Doing what I do? Saying what I say? I don't really know— just like a song that I can sing in my sleep. But only in my sleep.

I guess, I am really broken. And I just continue to break because... I don't know.

I wonder, though, how long I will be broken. I look forward to picking up my pieces— to put myself back together. But I can't start mending until my breaking is done and I hope I will be done breaking soon. So complicated. All of this.

Some times, I just tell myself to focus on problems that I can fix; like functions and server performance problems. Those are easy. But it's hard to focus on them when I am always distracted and broken. I thought that getting more fixable problems will help but, as it turns out, I was wrong. I continue to break and so, it seems there's nothing else for me to do but let myself break some more. Until I'm done breaking.

Hahaha! I don't know what I'm really saying. Just as I don't know why I'm here. On a Thursday when I shouldn't be. I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be anywhere. Until I'm not broken any more.

Maybe some people are happy to know that I can be broken. Well, congratulations. But your happiness will not last. That much I know.