Happiness?

Why? Oh, why my God
have you abandoned me
in my sobriety?
Behind the old facade
I'm your bewildered child.
So take me cross the river wide...

— Kamelot

What makes a person happy?

I suppose each of us has a different point of view about that. But I'm a simple person and I am easily pleased. The people around me will know that— that even after I felt so offended and victimised, I can be reasoned with and, so to speak, let it all be water under the bridge. It doesn't take much to make me happy even by those who have broken me in some way.

But not everyone is as simple as I am and I understand that. And I also understand that because they are more complex people, they do not easily understand the simple. That's fine. We all have our quirks.

It doesn't take much to make and to keep me happy.

I had been made happy— among other things. I am no longer. And in all my years living in this hell, I've learned that happiness isn't something that one actively pursues but a reward for doing many good things on top of more good things. That is why happiness cannot be bought. Like many other things, it has to be earned.

I tried to earn that happiness. But, I suppose, it is all a failed endeavour.

I will not be happy continuing to do what I do; thinking about people that don't think about me. If they are happy doing what they do, knowing how bad it makes others feel; I don't want to have anything to do with them. They are not my kind of people. I am a good person. I will not squander my goodness in places where I cannot earn the happiness that I desire and deserve.

That might sound selfish but how else would one have it?

Goodness doesn't have to flow out continuously, though. And perhaps it's OK if I allow myself to be strange at times, and not-so-good on rare occasions.

I will still write and draw and make music. But the people around me shouldn't be surprised if I do things in ways they do not want to see, feel, read, and hear. Although I try very hard to be, I am not always nice and artistic and “talented“. Some times, I'm just an asshole— especially when I need to be. For myself.

Time to feel alive.