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Me, the Impostor

Published: 14 February 2019

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Marketing messaged me the other day to ask whether I wanted to write something for the company blog. Of course, I want to. The problem is, I can't think of a topic for an article that might be suitable for a company blog. They gave me a couple of suggestions: an “expert” article about Python or something about life as a developer.

The first one, I really have a problem with. I honestly don't know if it requires a proper diagnosis but I (think I) suffer from Impostor Syndrome. And because I'm lazy, I'll just copypasta Wikipedia (with my emphases):

Impostor syndrome is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a "fraud". Despite external evidence of their competence, those experiencing this phenomenon remain convinced that they are frauds, and do not deserve all they have achieved. Individuals with impostorism incorrectly attribute their success to luck, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent than they perceive themselves to be.

Don't get me wrong. I do believe in my abilities. It's just that I'm allergic to the label of “expert”. And that's because I did have a lot of luck in making it to wherever this is that I am here right now. It is not a simple belief: I really got lucky.

In my last blog post, I wrote about how life gave my friends and I every opportunity to screw up. That wasn't hyperbole. And while I didn't take the opportunities that may have led me to drug addiction or to a life of crime, I did make good on the other opportunities. I screwed up big time.

Until today, those decisions haunt me— particularly when HR come after me and my lack of academic credentials because I don't have any.

Yet, here I am, working in a field where pressing one wrong key can ruin a lot of things for hundreds of people. The mistakes I make at work may not be as bad as when a surgeon accidentally cuts an artery but they can cause a handful of families to not eat for a couple of days, a business to incur a small debt, a team of haulers to waste precious fuel and manhours.

I'm in a field that should have some kind of licensing or regulatory examination and I'm very lucky that it doesn't; because with the way things are, I wouldn't even get the opportunity to take such an exam to see whether I really am qualified to do what I do.

That is why I am so apprehensive about writing as an “expert”: no matter how good I describe a process or argue a point, I'm still going to be just a high school graduate at the end of the day. And I suppose, this leaves all that out of the question. But what about that other suggestion— about life as a developer?

LOL. What life?

(Photo: Cecilia Legespi-Santiago)