Yesterday, I wrote about an awkward situation that I found myself in. Now, I'm feeling that I could have worded it better. Yeah, I am myself here. But what is “myself”? It seems that if one were to read that Pentecost entry, I like getting myself beaten up. That is, of course, not the case.
I love life.
But life is never a flat line. It has its ups and downs. A lot of them. Can you imagine living a life without high and low points? That's not life at all. While I don't care for the low points, much like most people, it's the rise to the high that gets me going— or, at least, the prospect of being able to rise up.
I don't like the low points of life but I am always excited to come out of them. No challenge is more worthy of my time than seeing those scenarios through.
Of course, not all people are like that. A lot of people don't want to be challenged. I won't speculate as to why that is. But as much as we would like to believe the contrary, we are not all created equal. Some are stronger than others. Others are a lot weaker than a few. It's just the way it is.
I am myself here because through all that I experience every single day, I am challenged. And despite all that “unwanted shit” that is happening, I love clawing my way out and up; seeing the good things instead of the bad; hoping for change even when there seems no way that there's going to be any instead of despairing; caring for others who don't give a fuck about me instead of not giving a fuck as they do.
If all this love and hope and care are to be taken from me, I will not be myself. Even if you throw a lot of money my way; money and things never made me happy. They will never make me who I am. They never make me write my words, draw my images, sing my songs, dream my dreams.
You do. Somehow.
“Grabe, ang drama nito!” I can imagine you thinking to yourself.
Ha, ha, ha! Love. Hope. Love. Hope. And Care. That is all you will ever get from me— because that is just who I am.
And I am home.